I am a teacher of meditation. I guide people who are in search. Those who are open to learning. Many people also know me as Swami Prem Nirvan. This was a name given to me by the great mystic Osho, when I became his disciple in 1982.
It is natural for me to share whatever I have learned, and it seems I have a gift for this. I teach, yet I continually learn, as I see that we all do, when we are open. This is how we grow and evolve.
I am not attached to any philosophy, religion, or beliefs; nor do I wish to convince you of any. I understand that we are each totally unique individuals, yet incredibly one and the same. We are each here to learn, and we are each different in how we go about learning.
My motivation to learn, grow, evolve, and awaken came from a crisis, from having suffered, from misery; and I have realized that without pain, none of us would ever transform. I see pain, not as a symptom to be treated, cured, or medicated but as a gift, a blessing in deep disguise. In meditation, we are one with what is so, what is actually happening, this moment. And so with pain, one can learn about pain. By learning in this way, by being with it, one discovers the key to transcend pain.
I was born in New York City, May 15, 1942. I was once a husband, father, soldier, businessman, yachtsman, traveller, disciple, counselor, graphic artist, and writer. I am a student and teacher. I am a somebody and a nobody. Nothing about me is important. What is important is that you are open to trust yourself, go totally with how you feel, and learn from your mistakes. I only try to inspire, encourage, and provoke your openness, because it is your openness that will transform your life. In my work with people, I sometimes share something I heard Osho say, “Fingers pointing to the moon...look at the moon...not at my fingers”.
When I was three years old, my father bought a house directly across the street from a Catholic church, Catholic school, and Catholic everything (my father prided himself on being open minded and I imagine that his reason for buying this particular house was to somehow prove it). I was the only Jew in this neighborhood and the only kid who didn't go to Catholic everything. It didn't take long for all the kids to realize I was different. (In those days the Catholic church was still teaching that the Jews killed Christ.) And when they learned I was one of those Jews who crucified Jesus, the shit really hit the fan. My father taught me how to fight to survive on the block and to toughen me up for this dog-eat-dog world. My mother must have agreed with him, because when I would run into the house to escape my tormentors, she would send me back outside saying I couldn't hide behind her apron strings. I became a fast runner because fights were often seven against one. I learned to protect myself from all kinds of hurts by closing off, by making fast judgments, and by deciding never to trust anyone. From those early years, I also remember that my parents fought alot. My mother was forever demanding consideration and get this my father bought this house without ever consulting her! They had lots of karma to work out. Perhaps that's why my path to the truth has been mostly around relationships as well as trust.
I began to awaken to myself on the brink of suicide. That was about twenty six years ago, around age thirty. Though it now feels like another life, this crisis turned opportunity is engraved in my memory. I remember hating my life, wanting to escape it, and that my depression kept worsening as I was finding no way out. (Looking at my life from the outside, most would never guess I could feel as I did. I had attained the American dream. I lived in my own custom home in Marin County with my wife and two beautiful children; my sailboat was in the harbor in Sausalito; and I made lots of money without much time or effort.) I was suffering from a depression that seemed to have no end. And I remember feeling at first shocked, then consoled, and finally relieved, when I realized I could escape my life with suicide. I was seriously planning how I was going to go about killing myself, when I was suddenly stopped by a flash of insight. All at once I doubted my mind. It was the first time I ever questioned my know-it-all attitude. I was confounded by not being able to reconcile suicide with my knowing everything. “I believe I know everything and I'm planning to kill myself? Could it be that I don't know everything, that possibly I don't know anything!”
That moment of doubting my mind was the opening I desperately needed. Somehow I had trusted myself enough to dis-identify with my thinking. I had glimpsed the reality that I am not my conditioned mind. I remember the shock of realizing that I knew nothing and that I probably had very much to learn. I went from being suicidal to truth seeker in one flash of insight. No wonder I have written a book of my insights!
My awakening became my priority. I took part in most of the many new age consciousness groups that had sprung up in the 70's in San Francisco. My depression/hypoglycemia symptoms disappeared almost immediately which told me I was on the right track. I read J. Krishnamurti’s books, and went to see him in Ojai. I found a local guru in Roberta Meyer, who helped me immensely. I then travelled in Europe and the Middle East for about three years. In 1981, I was living in Amsterdam and leading my own growth groups, when I had another huge wake up call. This led me to Osho. At that time he was in America, so I returned to the US to live in his rural ashram community.
I remember a magical awakening I had on the truck farm there on a very cold and wet winter afternoon.There were only about 8 of us working in that part of the ranch all winter and nothing fun was ever happening. It felt like Siberia. I was miserable most of the time for what seemed like an eternity, and I knew that I had been firmly stuck in my mind yet agreeing with it that enough was enough. I made a decision, today I am leaving this place and that's it! I was trying to decide whether to hike out to the main part of the ranch which would take hours, or wait for the bus at 5 pm, when this much too happy woman leader showed up to give us all a job to do. She got us on this large wooden flatbed trailer she was pulling with a tractor and off we went very uncomfortably bouncing over rough plowed muddy ground, all the while holding onto these big artichoke plants that needed a new home. It was cold and raining and I was hating every moment, re-promising myself that today I am out definitely of here. As you may have guessed if you knew this place, everybody else was having a great time, which was not helping my black mood. Then I heard a small voice in my head say to me there is no problem, O.K., you are leaving, but since you are here for only another afternoon why don't you just let go of this mind of yours that you know is making you so miserable, you can have it back at 5 o'clock when you leave, and you can just enjoy this crazy outing. Sounded very logical, so I agreed. Immediately, I was in bliss. Suddenly, everywhere was beauty and magic. It took me the whole time we were out in that field for me to plant just one artichoke. I felt like I was making love to it, sitting in the mud, in the freezing rain. That satori lasted most of that day. Needless to say, I didn't leave the ashram. My trust in my master deepened as I gained insight into why we were being put into these difficult and seemingly crazy situations.
Most awakenings come out of pain, out of crisis. Were it not for suffering, how would we ever know anything was wrong? Like when there's a splinter in your foot, you know from the pain that it needs to be removed. In this case, it is natural to be open to a remedy. Yet, when suffering is our life, we are less open to examine its cause. Somehow in the midst of my suicide crisis, I opened and trusted enough to doubt what I thought was true, my own thinking, my conditioned self.
My life changed so much that I had to give up any concrete ideas of who I was. I discovered that identity was an unnecessary burden. I was no longer a Jew, an American, or anything else. I was no longer insulted by what others said. I began to understand J. Krishnamurti’s words: “You are the world, and the world is you”. Very much thanks to Osho, I rediscovered my heart. I had discovered meditative silence years before, yet I was missing this loving component, this female side of no-mind. I feel like I may be rambling on here, so I will close this paragraph with what I heard Einstein say, “the only relevant question is whether the universe is friendly or not”. For most of my life I saw the universe as hostile. Then with many insights, I began to see life as neutral. Lately, I realize that the universe is indeed friendly. All are lessons, on the way, god knows where, and nothing can be done, but trust in life.
My work is teaching meditation and counseling. I teach many meditations, the best and the most powerful are from the great master Osho. Most people do not know these meditations and they work wonders to heal, relax, and awaken. When one begins to meditate, one may simply want to feel more relaxed. There are simple breathing techniques for this. However, for one who is in crisis, who realizes that something is missing in life, one may chose meditation to awaken. Meditation to me is true self help, yet it goes well with many therapies. Some people object to the words, the path of truth, or seeking truth, but to me they describe what is actually the case. Awakening, self discovery, healing, is a journey. It is inward, to yourself, to your truth. I guide and counsel those who get stuck, go astray, feel lost, or are having difficulty along the way. I know how easy it is to stumble and fall on this path, and get distracted, feel confused, disoriented, or lost. The way is indeed often dark. Often, I feel my work is simply that of someone with a flashlight shining a light to show the way out of a dead end.
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